Who feels amazing? Oh, that would be me.

I don’t know what happened. Well I lied. I know exactly what happened, but I guess I can’t believe it. I asked and I received. I wanted to have the pain taken away. I understand what it truly means to “lay something down at the altar”. To say “Your will be done.” It was almost instantaneous. What’s even more beautiful is that I can say and hear these classic scriptural references and appreciate them in the light of experience.  Whats more; I have a widened concept of God and what it means to be His child. What has proved to be a bit uncomfortable is how people have reacted to this awakening. It feels almost as if they are in fear that I have jumped off the deep end. All this really disturbs me. The name of Jesus has sparked controversy since He was named, and it is no more evident than when you are “coming out” as Christian to your friends and family members. I have the most resistance in this case. I have spent years in fear and pain trying to reconcile my religious beliefs with my sexuality and now that I have finally come to find the peace that I was seeking for so long; I find resistance in those that I thought to be the closest. But I know deep down, that while I can pray for opened eyes and opened hearts, I can not force them to belive anything about God, and furthermore, me. I can not make them see it the way I have come to see it. I can not make my vision apparent to them. I can only show them. I can show them how my heart has changed. How now I understand that I am responsible. I guess what bothers me the most is that these people know me. Or at least I thought they did. They should know that I would be the last person to box God in. I fear that I am beginning to see how they are actually doing that which they are accusing me of. While yes, I love God, and I love Christ and I understand certain things to which I was oblivious before, I will not change for the worse. It has made me kinder and more reasonable. It has opened my heart. My family has seen many positive changes, that, honestly, I didn’t even know were occurring untill they mentioned them. But most importantly, it has given me purpose and focus. I love how I feel when I walk in the spirit; when I walk in love. I will continue to do so and only hope that my life is a testimony to the powers of faith, hope, and love.

Party Time?

So here we go. The last weekend of my 27th year. Last night was spent trying to do some writing… Mostly a few drinks and stuff with the sissy. This English reasearch paper is proving increasingly difficult. I guess it’s cause I’m trying so hard to figure out what I’m trying to say.  I should just do the free writing that EVERYONE is telling me to do. However I am still a bit distracted. Still healing. Still trying. I have my days.. I stalk the twitter page trying to decode…. I send out the random message of how I am bitter or angry (whatever). Just keepin it 100. It is just astonishing to me that after 12 years.. this… THIS… is how it goes down. We swore that it would never get like this. We had made so much progress in being in each others worlds. And now… This is the legacy we have left. It is nothing short of a tragedy to leave it like this but I know in my heart of hearts that this is where it must lie. Each day gets a bit easier. Each day I focus in a bit more on my path and my goal. (P.s. and BTW, I know this is supposed to be about my path to becoming a PA but this IS my path so until I’m over it…) But on the life amazingness front…I have called SJC and made an apointment to meet with them about starting in the spring 2011. I start a swimming class on the 21st and then hopefully be able to join the swim team. Long shot before…. but it was offered to me once and I’m sure after getting back into the swing of things it would be an oppurtunity that may present itself again. Bartending school starts in April and I’ve already talked to a 2 places that are willing to let me start there part time. I’ve got a possible collaboration on a fashion show on the 13th.  So things are moving… things are shaking.. Just I am moved and I am shaken. So to my 27th year.. I don’t quite know what to say. You have been interesting. You have been. And now I am. Moving on….