Papers, Random

Professor’s Tango

Professor’s Tango

I seek your approval.

A nod

A glance

Acknowledgement

A sign

You see the talent

I am convinced

I contain

I seek your acceptance.

Of my work

Of the alliteration

Of my eviscerations

On a page

I believe YOU

Contain spells

That will

Finally

Convince me

Of my brilliance

I seek to find fear.

I have said too much

Or not enough

I seek your understanding.

I want you

To know that

I sit

In the back

I realize

That my energy

Is

Overwhelming

I do not ask questions

For fear of looking foolish

Or losing my composer

But I do not explain this

So

Have I upset you?

Should I have not withheld?

I seek for you to win.

To show me the world

So I can dissect it

Until it no longer bares

Any resemblance

To its original form

I seek for you too lead.

You are not the first

You will not be

The last

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Papers, Random, Uncategorized

I Have Fallen Into Love

True inspiration begets creation so below is a portion of a letter that I was inspired to write. This is the product of literature class, reading The Shadow of the Wind, receiving some lovely second hand books and a hearing of, then reading of Norah Pollard. I wish to express much gratitude to all of the above but mostly to Jimmy and the Moon Girl…

Fallen Into Love

It is true. I have fallen in love. I am no longer moving toward but authentically standing in the state of being, giving and receiving love.  Maybe you would see things as I see them if you knew her a little better so I will try to describe with words what God has so beautifully created and gifted me with.

She is light, really truly light. She carries herself with grace throughout every situation. She also contains a fire that only a woman of Latin decent could happen to muster; a firecracker with the childlike powder of wonder and passion to fuel her.  Her sense of humor astounds and she has a smile that makes the sun look dull. She is a dreamer who still believes that anything and everything is possible and changes the way that I see the world every single day. She inspires me to be better in every way. To care for the world but still be true to who you are. She is one of the smartest people I know. From theology to cake baking, she knows so much about so many things and wants to learn something new every day. She inspires me to do the same. She is in love with art, music, literature, theater, and just recently discovered a great love for poetry. She has a voice that never ceases to amaze. She sings. I mean really sings. She opens herself up in front of people for fun. She tells them her story with a song and leaves parts of herself on stage simply for the feeling of being understood even if it is only for three and a half minutes. This tells me that she is in it for the experience, for nothing else but to feel. She is in it for the sensual. I have never met anyone in the world like her and I know without a doubt I will never meet another soul with the same heat ever again. She has sparked something within me that is ceasing to dissipate and I have devoted my entire being into figuring out who and what she is, loves, craves and desires. I will devote my everything to her from here on. I wish that you could know what this feels like. I wish that for a moment you could begin to witness what I have been so privileged to know and see. To sound as cliché as humanly possible, this is no ordinary love. I have promised myself to tell her every day that she is the most beautiful creature created and every moment that we spend together is an adventure of epic proportions. We are learning and loving everything about each other from the depths within to the coverings we bare, and hers is as gloriously unique as the complexities that form her aura. She is soft and supple and lovely in her movements; it is ethereal.

So yes, I am falling in love. And yes, it is intense. But I will take it as far and as long as my life lets me because we are soul mates and are destined to be together for the remainder of my life… I will drown in this experience if I so choose because the person I am falling in love with is the one and only one for me. She was meant to be my soul mate forever and she will never leave me. Ever. She may hurt me, she may break me and her promises to me, but we are going to be with each other until our last breathes. We do not have a choice in the matter. This is what God has ordained. For this amazing wonderful beautiful soul filled created creature is now and forever will be me. I am the one that I am falling in love with. I am indulging my every whim. I am taking my time in every moment. I am savoring each bite, sip, sight, sound, color, spider fingered touch, shower, book and a cup of tea, stretch, bend, bow, handshake, sentence written,  sentence read, class, test, lesson, wrinkle, orgasm, bus ride, bill due and bill paid because they are my moments that will never again occur anywhere else in this universe. My rarity is now just coming into my perspective and rather than push it away, I am choosing to do the exact opposite of what I have been telling myself to do for the entirety of my existence. Instead of pushing against it, denying myself for fear of pride, I am letting it carry me into every movement and every moment. It is the most amazing high I have ever known. I have no idea how I got so lucky. Something clicked. I get it now. I hope you do too.

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And the countdown begins….

It’s almost my birthday!!!! And I am a happy girl. This past year brought so much; so many things that I thought would be the end of me but not one of them has passed without some great lesson learned. The grandest lesson I learned in my 28th year of life would have to be that I have been living in the hero’s journey. I have always valued a story of great uprising; the story of second chances has ruled my heart and mind so much that I have manifested great trials in my life in order to overcome them. But it then occured to me, what if I could just be the greatness that I am whitout manifesting the trial? What if I learned how to gather information from the mistakes of others rather than creating the mistakes myself? What would it mean to my life if I no longer had the hero’s journey to cling to? The best thing that could have happened to me this year is learnng to love the questions themselves… learning to live the questions out becasue the answers could not be given to me any other way. So in the last 28 days of my 28th year I make a few promises to myself.

  1. Ticina, you are a gem. A rarity that is still in the process of being unearthed. I will cherish and love you with everything that I have.
  2. I will be gentle with you while in the process of forming better habits for I know that positivity will trump negativity every time.
  3. I will say kind uplifting words to you always and accept forgiveness and mercy as freely as they have been given, which is always and forever enduring.
  4. I will sit in awe and wonder with you as you marvel at your scholastic aptitude and will urge you to always keep trying for the best on this journey.
  5. If you ever lose your hope, I will be there to remind you that the best is always yet to come.
  6. I will never allow you to give up on any dream that God has placed on your heart.
  7. I will help you to make this life a work of art.
  8. I will be with you always.

This term I finished with a 3.55 and I am very very proud of myself. I never gave up and now I am living in the harvest. I have a wonderful partner, a fantastic apartment, I am able to devote my full focus to my studies and a peace in my heart that is pushing me toward clarity. This is my year. I can feel it.

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Adventure

My life is constantly evolving in ways that I hadn’t even imagined. I moved out and into my moms for a while. I found a new place of my own and move in  November 1st. Through it all, I am kicking ass at school and preparing for Emory. Everything is already in place.. I have spoken with the head of the Neuroscience and Behavioral Biology Program (if for no other reason, just so that he will remember my name..lol). I have professors to write recommendations, an adviser that is aiding in the transfer and the grades and extracurricular activities I need. I will need to retake my SAT’s (yuck) and I just have to keep myself on the ball and keep getting the grades that I have been getting. Each day I leave MCC exhausted but delirious with accomplishment and I can sleep easy.  Maybe its school, maybe its the reality that I am going forward making it all happen.. I don’t know but I just feel different. I am no longer angry at those I have lost, I am not angry for the hurt they caused. Every single one of them made me stronger and more resilient. I was searching for it and reaching for it untill I realized that it was mine all along. I am complete and whole and capable of all that I dream and wish. Every single day I prove it to myself as I continue on this adventure I have set out on. Yesterday was amazing.  Today is great. I will make tomorrow a good day. Each day will be of my choosing… and I am never going back.

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What a Difference a Day Makes

Our First Kiss

The First Kiss

I have met a light.. not just any light… but my light. She has reopened a portion of my life that I thought was closed forever. And all I had to do was let her in. It was that simple. Dropping guard is something I never do, until now. I have been missing so much life worrying about the things that I should be doing and not doing the things I should. I have had trouble learning to follow my bliss; so to speak. It a practice daily. Letting it go. It’s funny; from this position it seems that I have a bit more perceived control than from clutching on to everything for dear life. And now.. EVERYTHING has changed. A) I am getting married. 10-8-2011. B) We have our own place which I will be moving my stuff into today 🙂 C) I am leaving my current job and going to school full-time at MCC. Turns out the credits that I had from Goodwin are not applicable and non transferable so… I am starting from scratch. Just the way I like; a fresh start. Yes it will take me quite a bit of time to finish but I always go the long way home. So now I am sitting in a peaceful, pleasant place with someone I love dearly and whom with I will have a constant path of growth. I feel like a blooming rose. *sigh* Namaste.

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Party Time?

So here we go. The last weekend of my 27th year. Last night was spent trying to do some writing… Mostly a few drinks and stuff with the sissy. This English reasearch paper is proving increasingly difficult. I guess it’s cause I’m trying so hard to figure out what I’m trying to say.  I should just do the free writing that EVERYONE is telling me to do. However I am still a bit distracted. Still healing. Still trying. I have my days.. I stalk the twitter page trying to decode…. I send out the random message of how I am bitter or angry (whatever). Just keepin it 100. It is just astonishing to me that after 12 years.. this… THIS… is how it goes down. We swore that it would never get like this. We had made so much progress in being in each others worlds. And now… This is the legacy we have left. It is nothing short of a tragedy to leave it like this but I know in my heart of hearts that this is where it must lie. Each day gets a bit easier. Each day I focus in a bit more on my path and my goal. (P.s. and BTW, I know this is supposed to be about my path to becoming a PA but this IS my path so until I’m over it…) But on the life amazingness front…I have called SJC and made an apointment to meet with them about starting in the spring 2011. I start a swimming class on the 21st and then hopefully be able to join the swim team. Long shot before…. but it was offered to me once and I’m sure after getting back into the swing of things it would be an oppurtunity that may present itself again. Bartending school starts in April and I’ve already talked to a 2 places that are willing to let me start there part time. I’ve got a possible collaboration on a fashion show on the 13th.  So things are moving… things are shaking.. Just I am moved and I am shaken. So to my 27th year.. I don’t quite know what to say. You have been interesting. You have been. And now I am. Moving on….

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