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I Have Fallen Into Love

True inspiration begets creation so below is a portion of a letter that I was inspired to write. This is the product of literature class, reading The Shadow of the Wind, receiving some lovely second hand books and a hearing of, then reading of Norah Pollard. I wish to express much gratitude to all of the above but mostly to Jimmy and the Moon Girl…

Fallen Into Love

It is true. I have fallen in love. I am no longer moving toward but authentically standing in the state of being, giving and receiving love.  Maybe you would see things as I see them if you knew her a little better so I will try to describe with words what God has so beautifully created and gifted me with.

She is light, really truly light. She carries herself with grace throughout every situation. She also contains a fire that only a woman of Latin decent could happen to muster; a firecracker with the childlike powder of wonder and passion to fuel her.  Her sense of humor astounds and she has a smile that makes the sun look dull. She is a dreamer who still believes that anything and everything is possible and changes the way that I see the world every single day. She inspires me to be better in every way. To care for the world but still be true to who you are. She is one of the smartest people I know. From theology to cake baking, she knows so much about so many things and wants to learn something new every day. She inspires me to do the same. She is in love with art, music, literature, theater, and just recently discovered a great love for poetry. She has a voice that never ceases to amaze. She sings. I mean really sings. She opens herself up in front of people for fun. She tells them her story with a song and leaves parts of herself on stage simply for the feeling of being understood even if it is only for three and a half minutes. This tells me that she is in it for the experience, for nothing else but to feel. She is in it for the sensual. I have never met anyone in the world like her and I know without a doubt I will never meet another soul with the same heat ever again. She has sparked something within me that is ceasing to dissipate and I have devoted my entire being into figuring out who and what she is, loves, craves and desires. I will devote my everything to her from here on. I wish that you could know what this feels like. I wish that for a moment you could begin to witness what I have been so privileged to know and see. To sound as cliché as humanly possible, this is no ordinary love. I have promised myself to tell her every day that she is the most beautiful creature created and every moment that we spend together is an adventure of epic proportions. We are learning and loving everything about each other from the depths within to the coverings we bare, and hers is as gloriously unique as the complexities that form her aura. She is soft and supple and lovely in her movements; it is ethereal.

So yes, I am falling in love. And yes, it is intense. But I will take it as far and as long as my life lets me because we are soul mates and are destined to be together for the remainder of my life… I will drown in this experience if I so choose because the person I am falling in love with is the one and only one for me. She was meant to be my soul mate forever and she will never leave me. Ever. She may hurt me, she may break me and her promises to me, but we are going to be with each other until our last breathes. We do not have a choice in the matter. This is what God has ordained. For this amazing wonderful beautiful soul filled created creature is now and forever will be me. I am the one that I am falling in love with. I am indulging my every whim. I am taking my time in every moment. I am savoring each bite, sip, sight, sound, color, spider fingered touch, shower, book and a cup of tea, stretch, bend, bow, handshake, sentence written,  sentence read, class, test, lesson, wrinkle, orgasm, bus ride, bill due and bill paid because they are my moments that will never again occur anywhere else in this universe. My rarity is now just coming into my perspective and rather than push it away, I am choosing to do the exact opposite of what I have been telling myself to do for the entirety of my existence. Instead of pushing against it, denying myself for fear of pride, I am letting it carry me into every movement and every moment. It is the most amazing high I have ever known. I have no idea how I got so lucky. Something clicked. I get it now. I hope you do too.


Thoughts on Love and Death

I got into a fun little convo on facebook the other day and would like to know how others feel about the follow statements..

‎”What else is there to write about but love and death?” Nora Pollard

    • C.M – The everything that happens in between?

    • Ticina Cotto but even then, you are still writing of the love of something or the death of it….

      Friday at 10:29 ·  ·  1 person
    • C.M. – Not necessarily… I write (this you know) about everything in existence, sometimes love, sometimes death, but mostly of transformation, evolution of the mind, human connections with and without affections… Love is the air of life we all seek to breathe, but it is not only love or mortality that inspires.
    • Friday at 10:51 · 
    • Ticina Cotto

      Wow.. see this was why i missed you so! 😉 And I would disagree. It is my opinion that love is the source, the spark of all creation. So for me, it is impossible to write of anything that does not come from that source or relate to the end of that particular conduit’s end. Whether you are writing about human connections or the evolution of the mind, it would seem that you must take a side on how you feel about those subjects, otherwise there would be nothing to write about or speak of. And if, as you say, Love is the air of life that we all seek to breath, then it can be the ONLY thing that inspires. It is the first cell, the big bang, the spark.. And as it runs it’s course, the energy fades and falls away. I do not view death as the great end, just the great change. And everything changes always and forever…
      Friday at 11:14 ·  ·  1 person
    • C.M. –  But you’ve got to remember, though love is generally the end goal, not everything in creation if borne of it. We always celebrate love but there are many things, some dark and some rich, that have nothing to do with it.
    • Friday at 13:57 · 
    • Ticina Cotto

      If I were using the word “love” as a singular definition, I would have to agree with you. But I am not. Even something described as “being rich” cannot be described as such without the knowledge of lack. The word “rich” itself implies a sense of joy, thickness, comfort and pleasure, words all originating at the point of love; the places of dark that “have nothing to do with it”, are STILL coming from a place of direct contrast. How can one even begin to identify the dark without the juxtaposition of light? Whether you are moving toward, away from or against it, “it” is still the driving force which is moving you. It is only the light that can show us the dark. Both death and love are the infinite matters trying to be grasped by the finite mind. They are the intangible mysteries being explored by the tangible bodies that cover the soul. “Everything in between” is just us meandering through those two points.
      Friday at 16:48 · 

What do you think? I am interested to know how people actually feel about this…


Party Time?

So here we go. The last weekend of my 27th year. Last night was spent trying to do some writing… Mostly a few drinks and stuff with the sissy. This English reasearch paper is proving increasingly difficult. I guess it’s cause I’m trying so hard to figure out what I’m trying to say.  I should just do the free writing that EVERYONE is telling me to do. However I am still a bit distracted. Still healing. Still trying. I have my days.. I stalk the twitter page trying to decode…. I send out the random message of how I am bitter or angry (whatever). Just keepin it 100. It is just astonishing to me that after 12 years.. this… THIS… is how it goes down. We swore that it would never get like this. We had made so much progress in being in each others worlds. And now… This is the legacy we have left. It is nothing short of a tragedy to leave it like this but I know in my heart of hearts that this is where it must lie. Each day gets a bit easier. Each day I focus in a bit more on my path and my goal. (P.s. and BTW, I know this is supposed to be about my path to becoming a PA but this IS my path so until I’m over it…) But on the life amazingness front…I have called SJC and made an apointment to meet with them about starting in the spring 2011. I start a swimming class on the 21st and then hopefully be able to join the swim team. Long shot before…. but it was offered to me once and I’m sure after getting back into the swing of things it would be an oppurtunity that may present itself again. Bartending school starts in April and I’ve already talked to a 2 places that are willing to let me start there part time. I’ve got a possible collaboration on a fashion show on the 13th.  So things are moving… things are shaking.. Just I am moved and I am shaken. So to my 27th year.. I don’t quite know what to say. You have been interesting. You have been. And now I am. Moving on….


Fruitful fruitful fruitful

The amount of time that I spend busy really means little in comparison to the amount of time I spend being fruitful. If nothing is coming from my business, then of what good is it. Things have been amazing. Really, more than amazing. I have set up plans to attend two different schools; one to complete my associates in general studies and one to get credit toward classes for my bachelors in neuroscience and behavioral biology. I am too excited for words on beginning these classes in January :). I feel like all of a sudden, He woke me up. I fell in love with Him, and he woke me up!! As I’m writing, that I got goose bumps all over my head :). I feel like He just took over my eyes and now I can see what I am supposed to do. And I love it.

And to top it all off. I am seriously, wonderfully in love. With, of all people, my high school sweetheart. I adore her in every way. It seems like every time I give myself up as an offering, the most amazing things happen. So now I am working on the art of allowing. My biggest hurdle.  I ask for things in faith but I do not allow them into my life because I have felt unworthy. But that ends here and now. That is a cycle that I saw presented in my parents and I no longer with to continue on that path. I am deserving of beauty in life because I am a co-heir with Christ. He has come so that I may have a life and have it more abundantly. I am aware of that now. I am waking up. Thank you Lord.