Who feels amazing? Oh, that would be me.

I don’t know what happened. Well I lied. I know exactly what happened, but I guess I can’t believe it. I asked and I received. I wanted to have the pain taken away. I understand what it truly means to “lay something down at the altar”. To say “Your will be done.” It was almost instantaneous. What’s even more beautiful is that I can say and hear these classic scriptural references and appreciate them in the light of experience.  Whats more; I have a widened concept of God and what it means to be His child. What has proved to be a bit uncomfortable is how people have reacted to this awakening. It feels almost as if they are in fear that I have jumped off the deep end. All this really disturbs me. The name of Jesus has sparked controversy since He was named, and it is no more evident than when you are “coming out” as Christian to your friends and family members. I have the most resistance in this case. I have spent years in fear and pain trying to reconcile my religious beliefs with my sexuality and now that I have finally come to find the peace that I was seeking for so long; I find resistance in those that I thought to be the closest. But I know deep down, that while I can pray for opened eyes and opened hearts, I can not force them to belive anything about God, and furthermore, me. I can not make them see it the way I have come to see it. I can not make my vision apparent to them. I can only show them. I can show them how my heart has changed. How now I understand that I am responsible. I guess what bothers me the most is that these people know me. Or at least I thought they did. They should know that I would be the last person to box God in. I fear that I am beginning to see how they are actually doing that which they are accusing me of. While yes, I love God, and I love Christ and I understand certain things to which I was oblivious before, I will not change for the worse. It has made me kinder and more reasonable. It has opened my heart. My family has seen many positive changes, that, honestly, I didn’t even know were occurring untill they mentioned them. But most importantly, it has given me purpose and focus. I love how I feel when I walk in the spirit; when I walk in love. I will continue to do so and only hope that my life is a testimony to the powers of faith, hope, and love.


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