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The Shadow of the Wind

I began this book 2 days ago on a whim (to join a discussion group at school) and I have not been able to put it down. Beyond that, it has led me on quite a journey. Literally, in the sense that the book is exquisitely written, but figuratively in the fact that I feel like I am part of the story as it unfolds. From the beginning, I was in love. It reminds me of how much I truly love books and the soul that each and every one contains. Books have always been my obsession and I have decided to give in.  Zafon does a terrific job in reminding the reader how each book that has ever been and will ever be written contains the soul of not only the author, but every person who has read it, breathed it or lived it. As I read that, I realized that this book has now become part of my soul as well. As I let that realization wash over me, the most amazing thing began to occur. I was filled with an incomparable  joy. This joy began to spill over into every area that I was currently living and was followed by an amazing conversation with a gentleman on the bus and a poetry reading from Nora Pollard that left me in awe. This  book has been the best thing that has ever happened to me simply because it caused me to wake up to the love I have neglected for quite some time. I thank Carlos Ruiz Zafron from the bottom of my little heart for because of his genius, I will never be the same.

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And the countdown begins….

It’s almost my birthday!!!! And I am a happy girl. This past year brought so much; so many things that I thought would be the end of me but not one of them has passed without some great lesson learned. The grandest lesson I learned in my 28th year of life would have to be that I have been living in the hero’s journey. I have always valued a story of great uprising; the story of second chances has ruled my heart and mind so much that I have manifested great trials in my life in order to overcome them. But it then occured to me, what if I could just be the greatness that I am whitout manifesting the trial? What if I learned how to gather information from the mistakes of others rather than creating the mistakes myself? What would it mean to my life if I no longer had the hero’s journey to cling to? The best thing that could have happened to me this year is learnng to love the questions themselves… learning to live the questions out becasue the answers could not be given to me any other way. So in the last 28 days of my 28th year I make a few promises to myself.

  1. Ticina, you are a gem. A rarity that is still in the process of being unearthed. I will cherish and love you with everything that I have.
  2. I will be gentle with you while in the process of forming better habits for I know that positivity will trump negativity every time.
  3. I will say kind uplifting words to you always and accept forgiveness and mercy as freely as they have been given, which is always and forever enduring.
  4. I will sit in awe and wonder with you as you marvel at your scholastic aptitude and will urge you to always keep trying for the best on this journey.
  5. If you ever lose your hope, I will be there to remind you that the best is always yet to come.
  6. I will never allow you to give up on any dream that God has placed on your heart.
  7. I will help you to make this life a work of art.
  8. I will be with you always.

This term I finished with a 3.55 and I am very very proud of myself. I never gave up and now I am living in the harvest. I have a wonderful partner, a fantastic apartment, I am able to devote my full focus to my studies and a peace in my heart that is pushing me toward clarity. This is my year. I can feel it.

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Adventure

My life is constantly evolving in ways that I hadn’t even imagined. I moved out and into my moms for a while. I found a new place of my own and move in  November 1st. Through it all, I am kicking ass at school and preparing for Emory. Everything is already in place.. I have spoken with the head of the Neuroscience and Behavioral Biology Program (if for no other reason, just so that he will remember my name..lol). I have professors to write recommendations, an adviser that is aiding in the transfer and the grades and extracurricular activities I need. I will need to retake my SAT’s (yuck) and I just have to keep myself on the ball and keep getting the grades that I have been getting. Each day I leave MCC exhausted but delirious with accomplishment and I can sleep easy.  Maybe its school, maybe its the reality that I am going forward making it all happen.. I don’t know but I just feel different. I am no longer angry at those I have lost, I am not angry for the hurt they caused. Every single one of them made me stronger and more resilient. I was searching for it and reaching for it untill I realized that it was mine all along. I am complete and whole and capable of all that I dream and wish. Every single day I prove it to myself as I continue on this adventure I have set out on. Yesterday was amazing.  Today is great. I will make tomorrow a good day. Each day will be of my choosing… and I am never going back.

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On the Road Again

This year seems to be the year of constant change. Just when I think everything is in order; planned; set, everything comes tumbling down. Along with the loss of my apartment last month I also lost the relationship I was in. It went down pretty much the same way all of the rest of the ones before went down. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be anyway. At least that is the easy answer. But now I find myself in such a precarious position. I moved in with an ex… well not just any ex but THE ex. Just in the past month I have been forced to deal with issues I thought I had released long ago. I guess I just buried them. And you know what they say about feelings buried alive… So here I am trying to move forward but somehow stuck in my past. When does it stop? I suppose it stops when I say it does but then why am I still having such a hard time with it. If I attract into my life what I believe I am, then that means that I do not value myself at all and I have chosen to take part in relationships that validate my experience in that. If I take a step back and REALLY look at what these relationships have said to me I would come to believe that I am not worthy of love, true love. That there is always going to be  someone better, prettier, more important than me. That love does not last. That there is no such thing as a committed monogamous relationship that is a till death do us part type. That love ends and can do so just as quickly as it began. I would come to believe that the wicked will always prosper and that nice girls finish last. That the only way to get what you want is to take it. Period. No matter the hurt or pain that you might cause along the way, because fuck it.. at least YOU are happy, right? But even though my surface ego may see that to be true… there is something within my core.. in my heart of hearts that knows better.. the problem is that I really don’t belive it. I want to believe that I am beautiful. I want to believe that I am priceless. I want to belive that love endures and hopes for all things. I want to believe that I can be the one to someone and someone can be the one for me. All of this sounds lovely and wonderful.. I guess I am just not there yet. When I really get down to the nitty-gritty of it, I do not act in ways that show the beliefs I am trying to build. I do not care for my body as I should. I do not care for others as I should. And so today I am going to just take a step back and relax. I am going to try to come to a conclusion as to the type of person that I want to be and start on that path. I am not going to concern myself with romantic love. I am going to make my dreams that love. I want to be enlightened, I want to be spiritual and love unconditionally but right now… I can’t. The anger has yet to subside and the hurt just wont go away.. and I can no longer keep stuffing what I am feeling down. It does no one any good. So untill these emotions have run their course, I will be here.. a wandering traveler.. following my path.

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Cleansed By Fire

On Friday (7/9), the remnants of my previous life were burned away. everything that I thought I was and everything that I had held onto my entire life is gone. Right now I think I feel kinda numb. No, I am absolutely positive that I am numb. There is a part of me that just wants to scream and cry but the larger part is keeping it under wraps. The larger part keeps saying things like “You are truly free right now.” “Every reminder of past hurt has been demolished.” This is truly a new beginning. But I guess it’s also like chemo; in order to rid yourself of the cancerous cells, some good ones must die too. My entire life I have wanted the kind of peace that can withstand any trial. I think because of that I have manifested many tragedies into it not realizing that each trial was making me stronger, giving me perspective and allowing me to build a resistance so to speak. It’s not that I don’t have my moments. This morning I woke up in a funk because of some bad dreams and then proceeded to break out into tears because I didn’t have my favorite tea kettle. but it ended as quickly as it began. Maybe that is what strength really is; when the moments of clarity out weigh the moments of produced confusion. So when I saw this building burning, unlike the first or second time, I had this constant ringing in my heart ears. It was just a peace that everything is going to be ok. That I would be cared for and loved. And I was right. Not only were the outside units of my relationship with the world kind but the middle and inner circles responded in a way that I could have never imagined. It was the neighbors that woke each other up. Each going to the others door to make sure that everyone was awake and got out safe. We all stood together on the other side of the street and watched in silence. CT Transit showed up with a bus for us to wait in while we got processed by the fire chief. The Red Cross came with water and snacks later followed by the “Canteen” that served us sandwiches and hotdogs. The mayor Pedro Segarra came,  met with all the tenets and assured us that we would be taken care of.  All the while each of the neighbors doing their part to help each other. News and radio crews were there. Most of which either my sister or I were quoted in. (NBC, WTIC Radio, Hartford Courant.) On top of all of the generosity that was shown by outsiders, what I continue to see astounds me. The way my fiance has responded is incredible. When they allowed 30 minutes to grab the essentials before tearing the building down, I walked into a pool of ash, insulation, walls, glass and water and stood there like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to look for let alone grab. Dora walked in and did it all. She took the things that meant the most to me but I could not see at the time. She saw thought it all and took what she knew I would want. My cousin provided me with work clothes and jeans that will get me back up on my feet.  Beyond that my circle of friends have come together and offered my sister enough to fill her new apartment plenty. I am the most blessed out of anyone I know. Living in that truth allows me so much freedom. I have to begin living out the responsiblity of that freedom. This expression of giving has compelled me to give. I am the most blessed girl I know. I have been given my new life, and I will make it count.

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What a Difference a Day Makes

Our First Kiss

The First Kiss

I have met a light.. not just any light… but my light. She has reopened a portion of my life that I thought was closed forever. And all I had to do was let her in. It was that simple. Dropping guard is something I never do, until now. I have been missing so much life worrying about the things that I should be doing and not doing the things I should. I have had trouble learning to follow my bliss; so to speak. It a practice daily. Letting it go. It’s funny; from this position it seems that I have a bit more perceived control than from clutching on to everything for dear life. And now.. EVERYTHING has changed. A) I am getting married. 10-8-2011. B) We have our own place which I will be moving my stuff into today 🙂 C) I am leaving my current job and going to school full-time at MCC. Turns out the credits that I had from Goodwin are not applicable and non transferable so… I am starting from scratch. Just the way I like; a fresh start. Yes it will take me quite a bit of time to finish but I always go the long way home. So now I am sitting in a peaceful, pleasant place with someone I love dearly and whom with I will have a constant path of growth. I feel like a blooming rose. *sigh* Namaste.

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