Adventure

My life is constantly evolving in ways that I hadn’t even imagined. I moved out and into my moms for a while. I found a new place of my own and move in  November 1st. Through it all, I am kicking ass at school and preparing for Emory. Everything is already in place.. I have spoken with the head of the Neuroscience and Behavioral Biology Program (if for no other reason, just so that he will remember my name..lol). I have professors to write recommendations, an adviser that is aiding in the transfer and the grades and extracurricular activities I need. I will need to retake my SAT’s (yuck) and I just have to keep myself on the ball and keep getting the grades that I have been getting. Each day I leave MCC exhausted but delirious with accomplishment and I can sleep easy.  Maybe its school, maybe its the reality that I am going forward making it all happen.. I don’t know but I just feel different. I am no longer angry at those I have lost, I am not angry for the hurt they caused. Every single one of them made me stronger and more resilient. I was searching for it and reaching for it untill I realized that it was mine all along. I am complete and whole and capable of all that I dream and wish. Every single day I prove it to myself as I continue on this adventure I have set out on. Yesterday was amazing.  Today is great. I will make tomorrow a good day. Each day will be of my choosing… and I am never going back.

On the Road Again

This year seems to be the year of constant change. Just when I think everything is in order; planned; set, everything comes tumbling down. Along with the loss of my apartment last month I also lost the relationship I was in. It went down pretty much the same way all of the rest of the ones before went down. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be anyway. At least that is the easy answer. But now I find myself in such a precarious position. I moved in with an ex… well not just any ex but THE ex. Just in the past month I have been forced to deal with issues I thought I had released long ago. I guess I just buried them. And you know what they say about feelings buried alive… So here I am trying to move forward but somehow stuck in my past. When does it stop? I suppose it stops when I say it does but then why am I still having such a hard time with it. If I attract into my life what I believe I am, then that means that I do not value myself at all and I have chosen to take part in relationships that validate my experience in that. If I take a step back and REALLY look at what these relationships have said to me I would come to believe that I am not worthy of love, true love. That there is always going to be  someone better, prettier, more important than me. That love does not last. That there is no such thing as a committed monogamous relationship that is a till death do us part type. That love ends and can do so just as quickly as it began. I would come to believe that the wicked will always prosper and that nice girls finish last. That the only way to get what you want is to take it. Period. No matter the hurt or pain that you might cause along the way, because fuck it.. at least YOU are happy, right? But even though my surface ego may see that to be true… there is something within my core.. in my heart of hearts that knows better.. the problem is that I really don’t belive it. I want to believe that I am beautiful. I want to believe that I am priceless. I want to belive that love endures and hopes for all things. I want to believe that I can be the one to someone and someone can be the one for me. All of this sounds lovely and wonderful.. I guess I am just not there yet. When I really get down to the nitty-gritty of it, I do not act in ways that show the beliefs I am trying to build. I do not care for my body as I should. I do not care for others as I should. And so today I am going to just take a step back and relax. I am going to try to come to a conclusion as to the type of person that I want to be and start on that path. I am not going to concern myself with romantic love. I am going to make my dreams that love. I want to be enlightened, I want to be spiritual and love unconditionally but right now… I can’t. The anger has yet to subside and the hurt just wont go away.. and I can no longer keep stuffing what I am feeling down. It does no one any good. So untill these emotions have run their course, I will be here.. a wandering traveler.. following my path.

Cleansed By Fire

On Friday (7/9), the remnants of my previous life were burned away. everything that I thought I was and everything that I had held onto my entire life is gone. Right now I think I feel kinda numb. No, I am absolutely positive that I am numb. There is a part of me that just wants to scream and cry but the larger part is keeping it under wraps. The larger part keeps saying things like “You are truly free right now.” “Every reminder of past hurt has been demolished.” This is truly a new beginning. But I guess it’s also like chemo; in order to rid yourself of the cancerous cells, some good ones must die too. My entire life I have wanted the kind of peace that can withstand any trial. I think because of that I have manifested many tragedies into it not realizing that each trial was making me stronger, giving me perspective and allowing me to build a resistance so to speak. It’s not that I don’t have my moments. This morning I woke up in a funk because of some bad dreams and then proceeded to break out into tears because I didn’t have my favorite tea kettle. but it ended as quickly as it began. Maybe that is what strength really is; when the moments of clarity out weigh the moments of produced confusion. So when I saw this building burning, unlike the first or second time, I had this constant ringing in my heart ears. It was just a peace that everything is going to be ok. That I would be cared for and loved. And I was right. Not only were the outside units of my relationship with the world kind but the middle and inner circles responded in a way that I could have never imagined. It was the neighbors that woke each other up. Each going to the others door to make sure that everyone was awake and got out safe. We all stood together on the other side of the street and watched in silence. CT Transit showed up with a bus for us to wait in while we got processed by the fire chief. The Red Cross came with water and snacks later followed by the “Canteen” that served us sandwiches and hotdogs. The mayor Pedro Segarra came,  met with all the tenets and assured us that we would be taken care of.  All the while each of the neighbors doing their part to help each other. News and radio crews were there. Most of which either my sister or I were quoted in. (NBC, WTIC Radio, Hartford Courant.) On top of all of the generosity that was shown by outsiders, what I continue to see astounds me. The way my fiance has responded is incredible. When they allowed 30 minutes to grab the essentials before tearing the building down, I walked into a pool of ash, insulation, walls, glass and water and stood there like a deer in headlights. I had no idea what to look for let alone grab. Dora walked in and did it all. She took the things that meant the most to me but I could not see at the time. She saw thought it all and took what she knew I would want. My cousin provided me with work clothes and jeans that will get me back up on my feet.  Beyond that my circle of friends have come together and offered my sister enough to fill her new apartment plenty. I am the most blessed out of anyone I know. Living in that truth allows me so much freedom. I have to begin living out the responsiblity of that freedom. This expression of giving has compelled me to give. I am the most blessed girl I know. I have been given my new life, and I will make it count.

What a Difference a Day Makes

The First Kiss

I have met a light.. not just any light… but my light. She has reopened a portion of my life that I thought was closed forever. And all I had to do was let her in. It was that simple. Dropping guard is something I never do, until now. I have been missing so much life worrying about the things that I should be doing and not doing the things I should. I have had trouble learning to follow my bliss; so to speak. It a practice daily. Letting it go. It’s funny; from this position it seems that I have a bit more perceived control than from clutching on to everything for dear life. And now.. EVERYTHING has changed. A) I am getting married. 10-8-2011. B) We have our own place which I will be moving my stuff into today 🙂 C) I am leaving my current job and going to school full-time at MCC. Turns out the credits that I had from Goodwin are not applicable and non transferable so… I am starting from scratch. Just the way I like; a fresh start. Yes it will take me quite a bit of time to finish but I always go the long way home. So now I am sitting in a peaceful, pleasant place with someone I love dearly and whom with I will have a constant path of growth. I feel like a blooming rose. *sigh* Namaste.

Dull Life

Uh oh… someone is bored… and you know what that means… someone starts to get a little stir crazy. I am finally starting to wake up. I am done with some many things.. but most of all… I am done with feeling guilty. I have just as much of a chance as anyone else and it’s time I start living out that truth. It may not be my actual birthday but I will start celebrating each day I am alive on this earth.. It was a gift to the world the day I was born..happy life day to me.

Party Time?

So here we go. The last weekend of my 27th year. Last night was spent trying to do some writing… Mostly a few drinks and stuff with the sissy. This English reasearch paper is proving increasingly difficult. I guess it’s cause I’m trying so hard to figure out what I’m trying to say.  I should just do the free writing that EVERYONE is telling me to do. However I am still a bit distracted. Still healing. Still trying. I have my days.. I stalk the twitter page trying to decode…. I send out the random message of how I am bitter or angry (whatever). Just keepin it 100. It is just astonishing to me that after 12 years.. this… THIS… is how it goes down. We swore that it would never get like this. We had made so much progress in being in each others worlds. And now… This is the legacy we have left. It is nothing short of a tragedy to leave it like this but I know in my heart of hearts that this is where it must lie. Each day gets a bit easier. Each day I focus in a bit more on my path and my goal. (P.s. and BTW, I know this is supposed to be about my path to becoming a PA but this IS my path so until I’m over it…) But on the life amazingness front…I have called SJC and made an apointment to meet with them about starting in the spring 2011. I start a swimming class on the 21st and then hopefully be able to join the swim team. Long shot before…. but it was offered to me once and I’m sure after getting back into the swing of things it would be an oppurtunity that may present itself again. Bartending school starts in April and I’ve already talked to a 2 places that are willing to let me start there part time. I’ve got a possible collaboration on a fashion show on the 13th.  So things are moving… things are shaking.. Just I am moved and I am shaken. So to my 27th year.. I don’t quite know what to say. You have been interesting. You have been. And now I am. Moving on….

Heartbreak and Healing Forgiveness and Flying

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.2 And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

I have been in a whirlwind. In so many ways…for so many days. I have started school. So far, 2 A’s one in each class. *pat on the back* It isn’t difficult…just time consuming. Which I suppose is a plus since I am healing a broken heart.  Things went so wrong between Lindsay and I… Drastically wrong. It was in a moment horrifying, damaging and sobering. I realized how far I let myself fall. I had stopped  focusing on me and started focusing on “us”. Perhaps that’s why this happened. I needed it to. I am was losing drive on the dream that I was embarking on. It’s all well and good to say all this….. but it doesn’t make it feel any better. It’s still hurts like hell and I miss her dearly. We still have some contact although it is minimal. And even though she did what she did, I still feel like I lost my best friend. I adore her, why, no idea. I love her deeply, why? No idea. I can’t explain it. There is a strange peace that comes with being able to forgive someone like I am having to forgive her over and over. Some would call me stupid, and from afar I can’t say that I wouldn’t say the same thing of myself. But there is a lightness that emerges when you can truly say about someone that “I don’t care what you do or how you act. I know and love you like no one else in this world. And you know and love me the same. I will fulfill my committment to love you unconditionally because I know no other way than this.” Nothing even maters when you love like this. Truly. She could marry another, as long as she is happy, I will be at peace. And this is the truth.  She has seen me like no other, and she will always be the jewel of my heart. I am not saying that I am super human or that none of these thoughts will not cause pain, it’s just that I understand what true love is now. I get what it means to hold no record of wrongs. She told me once that “loving a person like her unconditionally is a very hard thing to do.” And I agree. But I also know that I was always up for the challenge and it’s too late. I. Can’t. Back.Down. So even if wanted a choice in this, I’m not sure I have one. I am pretty sure she was placed here to teach me a great many things about love, forgiveness, being right vs. being happy, faith, hope and God. This is the quickest I have ever been able to say that I know that God’s will, will be done so, I’m placing down my pain and moving on.  I am not willing to lose her in my life. It’s just the way it is. She is my baby, now and forever. So spread your wings my love. I hope you find peace in all that you seek. I thank you because you taught me what it means to give and to love. I will always be here for you no  matter what.

Fruitful fruitful fruitful

The amount of time that I spend busy really means little in comparison to the amount of time I spend being fruitful. If nothing is coming from my business, then of what good is it. Things have been amazing. Really, more than amazing. I have set up plans to attend two different schools; one to complete my associates in general studies and one to get credit toward classes for my bachelors in neuroscience and behavioral biology. I am too excited for words on beginning these classes in January :). I feel like all of a sudden, He woke me up. I fell in love with Him, and he woke me up!! As I’m writing, that I got goose bumps all over my head :). I feel like He just took over my eyes and now I can see what I am supposed to do. And I love it.

And to top it all off. I am seriously, wonderfully in love. With, of all people, my high school sweetheart. I adore her in every way. It seems like every time I give myself up as an offering, the most amazing things happen. So now I am working on the art of allowing. My biggest hurdle.  I ask for things in faith but I do not allow them into my life because I have felt unworthy. But that ends here and now. That is a cycle that I saw presented in my parents and I no longer with to continue on that path. I am deserving of beauty in life because I am a co-heir with Christ. He has come so that I may have a life and have it more abundantly. I am aware of that now. I am waking up. Thank you Lord.