Papers, Random

Professor’s Tango

Professor’s Tango

I seek your approval.

A nod

A glance

Acknowledgement

A sign

You see the talent

I am convinced

I contain

I seek your acceptance.

Of my work

Of the alliteration

Of my eviscerations

On a page

I believe YOU

Contain spells

That will

Finally

Convince me

Of my brilliance

I seek to find fear.

I have said too much

Or not enough

I seek your understanding.

I want you

To know that

I sit

In the back

I realize

That my energy

Is

Overwhelming

I do not ask questions

For fear of looking foolish

Or losing my composer

But I do not explain this

So

Have I upset you?

Should I have not withheld?

I seek for you to win.

To show me the world

So I can dissect it

Until it no longer bares

Any resemblance

To its original form

I seek for you too lead.

You are not the first

You will not be

The last

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Papers, Random, Uncategorized

I Have Fallen Into Love

True inspiration begets creation so below is a portion of a letter that I was inspired to write. This is the product of literature class, reading The Shadow of the Wind, receiving some lovely second hand books and a hearing of, then reading of Norah Pollard. I wish to express much gratitude to all of the above but mostly to Jimmy and the Moon Girl…

Fallen Into Love

It is true. I have fallen in love. I am no longer moving toward but authentically standing in the state of being, giving and receiving love.  Maybe you would see things as I see them if you knew her a little better so I will try to describe with words what God has so beautifully created and gifted me with.

She is light, really truly light. She carries herself with grace throughout every situation. She also contains a fire that only a woman of Latin decent could happen to muster; a firecracker with the childlike powder of wonder and passion to fuel her.  Her sense of humor astounds and she has a smile that makes the sun look dull. She is a dreamer who still believes that anything and everything is possible and changes the way that I see the world every single day. She inspires me to be better in every way. To care for the world but still be true to who you are. She is one of the smartest people I know. From theology to cake baking, she knows so much about so many things and wants to learn something new every day. She inspires me to do the same. She is in love with art, music, literature, theater, and just recently discovered a great love for poetry. She has a voice that never ceases to amaze. She sings. I mean really sings. She opens herself up in front of people for fun. She tells them her story with a song and leaves parts of herself on stage simply for the feeling of being understood even if it is only for three and a half minutes. This tells me that she is in it for the experience, for nothing else but to feel. She is in it for the sensual. I have never met anyone in the world like her and I know without a doubt I will never meet another soul with the same heat ever again. She has sparked something within me that is ceasing to dissipate and I have devoted my entire being into figuring out who and what she is, loves, craves and desires. I will devote my everything to her from here on. I wish that you could know what this feels like. I wish that for a moment you could begin to witness what I have been so privileged to know and see. To sound as cliché as humanly possible, this is no ordinary love. I have promised myself to tell her every day that she is the most beautiful creature created and every moment that we spend together is an adventure of epic proportions. We are learning and loving everything about each other from the depths within to the coverings we bare, and hers is as gloriously unique as the complexities that form her aura. She is soft and supple and lovely in her movements; it is ethereal.

So yes, I am falling in love. And yes, it is intense. But I will take it as far and as long as my life lets me because we are soul mates and are destined to be together for the remainder of my life… I will drown in this experience if I so choose because the person I am falling in love with is the one and only one for me. She was meant to be my soul mate forever and she will never leave me. Ever. She may hurt me, she may break me and her promises to me, but we are going to be with each other until our last breathes. We do not have a choice in the matter. This is what God has ordained. For this amazing wonderful beautiful soul filled created creature is now and forever will be me. I am the one that I am falling in love with. I am indulging my every whim. I am taking my time in every moment. I am savoring each bite, sip, sight, sound, color, spider fingered touch, shower, book and a cup of tea, stretch, bend, bow, handshake, sentence written,  sentence read, class, test, lesson, wrinkle, orgasm, bus ride, bill due and bill paid because they are my moments that will never again occur anywhere else in this universe. My rarity is now just coming into my perspective and rather than push it away, I am choosing to do the exact opposite of what I have been telling myself to do for the entirety of my existence. Instead of pushing against it, denying myself for fear of pride, I am letting it carry me into every movement and every moment. It is the most amazing high I have ever known. I have no idea how I got so lucky. Something clicked. I get it now. I hope you do too.

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Papers

Where there is no vision, the people perish

“Where there is no vision, the people perish.” Proverbs 29:18

There are some in this life that find their purpose early; they feel it when they are young; they know it in their bones. These individuals grow up being guided by parents, teachers and friends. Their world is surrounded by models of success. They in turn, model what they see and become what they have dreamed. This is not one of those stories; yet. I had never really thought of myself as very much and surely my upbringing sought to confirm that identity that I once believed true. I was born to addict parents, who while I’m sure loved me, had no idea how to place the well being of anything or anyone above their craving for drugs. Their addiction became the backdrop for which my dreams were cultivated. And so; while I had large dreams, the execution for such grand plans have always been lack luster, to say the least. I have witnessed; in both my forefathers and myself, a long history of incompletion. I have seen both of my parents lose themselves, and all they were, to something such as a substance and a lifestyle that did not serve them. I have seen myself fail at times. But I have also seen myself rise on many an occasion, and I believe that this is my time to rise up to meet the road ahead.

Upon first enrolling in the university, I was living a life that was quite foreign to me. Sharing my first apartment with my first long term partner, was a new experience in itself. Shortly after moving in, I was unexpectedly in need of spinal surgery; a surgery that had left me paralyzed from the waist down. I was 23 at the time. While still in the recovery process, I had decided that all the time I was “sitting” could be put to some good use. Rehabilitation from a spinal cord injury is an exhausting process in so many ways, but tearing most at your sense of patience. There is a large amount of physical work that goes on, but also a lot of waiting. So, I made a decision to start at Colorado Tech without really knowing why I wanted to return to school; what was my purpose? What was my plan? From a very young age, I had always found the human body a wondrous creation and concluded that medicine may be a good path for me. I had wanted to become a surgeon. I felt that since my physical capabilities were no longer up to par with what that career would demand, I decided to enter into the criminal justice program with hopes of going into forensic science. I have never, at any point, been interested with the criminal justice field or law for that matter but I didn’t think about those things at the time. I just chose a major that I thought would suit my needs and current capabilities without taking into consideration  my wants, my dreams, or the possibility of my body healing far beyond my expectations. Then, as my body became stronger, so did my resolve to truly become the person that I had seen in a distant dream. Unfortunately as my legs allowed me to stand again, my relationship came tumbling down around me, and once again I was surrounded by the chaos I had always come to know. I decided to withdraw from the university to prevent myself from failing scholastically and until I could further clarify what my true desires were and where this healing process would lead.

As I healed, I once again found myself in a childlike state of wonder and amazement at the workings of the human body and a passion for medicine was re-ignited. I was drawn to look further into the many fields within medicine which I could pursue. I came across an interview with a PA student and a spark occurred. I began to research as much as I possibly could about the profession and I found it to be quite fitting. From the academic aspect to the working toward a reformation in healthcare; the position seemed to be made for the many facets of my interests and talents while still allowing me to pursue my artistic and musical abilities as well. The final outcome of practicing in this profession also seemed suited to my needs. While I will always have a attending physician, I will still be able to practice with autonomy. I will be able to treat, diagnose, interpret lab results, and perform minor surgeries within what ever specialty I choose. I will be able to keep my options open and because I must re-certify ever 2 years or so; I will always be the eternal student. This prospect is something that I find rather inviting as opposed to intimidating. I will be on a constant path of education,which is how I have come to view my life as a whole. I have put together a plan that includes a financial work up, schools that I would like to attend, scholarships that I can apply for once in school and a solid support system. For the first time in my life I feel as though I know exactly where I was, where I am and where I want to go. So with a clear purpose in hand and a new confidence in my heart, I have decided to embark of that vision.

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