On the Road Again

This year seems to be the year of constant change. Just when I think everything is in order; planned; set, everything comes tumbling down. Along with the loss of my apartment last month I also lost the relationship I was in. It went down pretty much the same way all of the rest of the ones before went down. I suppose it wasn’t meant to be anyway. At least that is the easy answer. But now I find myself in such a precarious position. I moved in with an ex… well not just any ex but THE ex. Just in the past month I have been forced to deal with issues I thought I had released long ago. I guess I just buried them. And you know what they say about feelings buried alive… So here I am trying to move forward but somehow stuck in my past. When does it stop? I suppose it stops when I say it does but then why am I still having such a hard time with it. If I attract into my life what I believe I am, then that means that I do not value myself at all and I have chosen to take part in relationships that validate my experience in that. If I take a step back and REALLY look at what these relationships have said to me I would come to believe that I am not worthy of love, true love. That there is always going to be  someone better, prettier, more important than me. That love does not last. That there is no such thing as a committed monogamous relationship that is a till death do us part type. That love ends and can do so just as quickly as it began. I would come to believe that the wicked will always prosper and that nice girls finish last. That the only way to get what you want is to take it. Period. No matter the hurt or pain that you might cause along the way, because fuck it.. at least YOU are happy, right? But even though my surface ego may see that to be true… there is something within my core.. in my heart of hearts that knows better.. the problem is that I really don’t belive it. I want to believe that I am beautiful. I want to believe that I am priceless. I want to belive that love endures and hopes for all things. I want to believe that I can be the one to someone and someone can be the one for me. All of this sounds lovely and wonderful.. I guess I am just not there yet. When I really get down to the nitty-gritty of it, I do not act in ways that show the beliefs I am trying to build. I do not care for my body as I should. I do not care for others as I should. And so today I am going to just take a step back and relax. I am going to try to come to a conclusion as to the type of person that I want to be and start on that path. I am not going to concern myself with romantic love. I am going to make my dreams that love. I want to be enlightened, I want to be spiritual and love unconditionally but right now… I can’t. The anger has yet to subside and the hurt just wont go away.. and I can no longer keep stuffing what I am feeling down. It does no one any good. So untill these emotions have run their course, I will be here.. a wandering traveler.. following my path.


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