I seek your approval.

A nod

A glance

Acknowledgement

A sign

You see the talent

I am convinced

I contain

I seek your acceptance.

Of my work

Of the alliteration

Of my eviscerations

On a page

I believe YOU

Contain spells

That will

Finally

Convince me

Of my brilliance

I seek to find fear.

I have said too much

Or not enough

I seek your understanding.

I want you

To know that

I sit

In the back

I realize

That my energy

Is

Overwhelming

I do not ask questions

For fear of looking foolish

Or losing my composer

But I do not explain this

So

Have I upset you?

Should I have not withheld?

I seek for you to win.

To show me the world

So I can dissect it

Until it no longer bares

Any resemblance

To its original form

I seek for you too lead.

You are not the first

You will not be

The last

True inspiration begets creation so below is a portion of a letter that I was inspired to write. This is the product of literature class, reading The Shadow of the Wind, receiving some lovely second hand books and a hearing of, then reading of Norah Pollard. I wish to express much gratitude to all of the above but mostly to Jimmy and the Moon Girl…

Fallen Into Love

It is true. I have fallen in love. I am no longer moving toward but authentically standing in the state of being, giving and receiving love.  Maybe you would see things as I see them if you knew her a little better so I will try to describe with words what God has so beautifully created and gifted me with.

She is light, really truly light. She carries herself with grace throughout every situation. She also contains a fire that only a woman of Latin decent could happen to muster; a firecracker with the childlike powder of wonder and passion to fuel her.  Her sense of humor astounds and she has a smile that makes the sun look dull. She is a dreamer who still believes that anything and everything is possible and changes the way that I see the world every single day. She inspires me to be better in every way. To care for the world but still be true to who you are. She is one of the smartest people I know. From theology to cake baking, she knows so much about so many things and wants to learn something new every day. She inspires me to do the same. She is in love with art, music, literature, theater, and just recently discovered a great love for poetry. She has a voice that never ceases to amaze. She sings. I mean really sings. She opens herself up in front of people for fun. She tells them her story with a song and leaves parts of herself on stage simply for the feeling of being understood even if it is only for three and a half minutes. This tells me that she is in it for the experience, for nothing else but to feel. She is in it for the sensual. I have never met anyone in the world like her and I know without a doubt I will never meet another soul with the same heat ever again. She has sparked something within me that is ceasing to dissipate and I have devoted my entire being into figuring out who and what she is, loves, craves and desires. I will devote my everything to her from here on. I wish that you could know what this feels like. I wish that for a moment you could begin to witness what I have been so privileged to know and see. To sound as cliché as humanly possible, this is no ordinary love. I have promised myself to tell her every day that she is the most beautiful creature created and every moment that we spend together is an adventure of epic proportions. We are learning and loving everything about each other from the depths within to the coverings we bare, and hers is as gloriously unique as the complexities that form her aura. She is soft and supple and lovely in her movements; it is ethereal.

So yes, I am falling in love. And yes, it is intense. But I will take it as far and as long as my life lets me because we are soul mates and are destined to be together for the remainder of my life… I will drown in this experience if I so choose because the person I am falling in love with is the one and only one for me. She was meant to be my soul mate forever and she will never leave me. Ever. She may hurt me, she may break me and her promises to me, but we are going to be with each other until our last breathes. We do not have a choice in the matter. This is what God has ordained. For this amazing wonderful beautiful soul filled created creature is now and forever will be me. I am the one that I am falling in love with. I am indulging my every whim. I am taking my time in every moment. I am savoring each bite, sip, sight, sound, color, spider fingered touch, shower, book and a cup of tea, stretch, bend, bow, handshake, sentence written,  sentence read, class, test, lesson, wrinkle, orgasm, bus ride, bill due and bill paid because they are my moments that will never again occur anywhere else in this universe. My rarity is now just coming into my perspective and rather than push it away, I am choosing to do the exact opposite of what I have been telling myself to do for the entirety of my existence. Instead of pushing against it, denying myself for fear of pride, I am letting it carry me into every movement and every moment. It is the most amazing high I have ever known. I have no idea how I got so lucky. Something clicked. I get it now. I hope you do too.

This is my other fave. Good for the wounded love

‎”What else is there to write about but love and death?” Nora Pollard

What do you think? I am interested to know how people actually feel about this…

It’s almost my birthday!!!! And I am a happy girl. This past year brought so much; so many things that I thought would be the end of me but not one of them has passed without some great lesson learned. The grandest lesson I learned in my 28th year of life would have to be that I have been living in the hero’s journey. I have always valued a story of great uprising; the story of second chances has ruled my heart and mind so much that I have manifested great trials in my life in order to overcome them. But it then occured to me, what if I could just be the greatness that I am whitout manifesting the trial? What if I learned how to gather information from the mistakes of others rather than creating the mistakes myself? What would it mean to my life if I no longer had the hero’s journey to cling to? The best thing that could have happened to me this year is learnng to love the questions themselves… learning to live the questions out becasue the answers could not be given to me any other way. So in the last 28 days of my 28th year I make a few promises to myself.

1. Ticina, you are a gem. A rarity that is still in the process of being unearthed. I will cherish and love you with everything that I have.
2. I will be gentle with you while in the process of forming better habits for I know that positivity will trump negativity every time.
3. I will say kind uplifting words to you always and accept forgiveness and mercy as freely as they have been given, which is always and forever enduring.
4. I will sit in awe and wonder with you as you marvel at your scholastic aptitude and will urge you to always keep trying for the best on this journey.
5. If you ever lose your hope, I will be there to remind you that the best is always yet to come.
6. I will never allow you to give up on any dream that God has placed on your heart.
7. I will help you to make this life a work of art.
8. I will be with you always.

This term I finished with a 3.55 and I am very very proud of myself. I never gave up and now I am living in the harvest. I have a wonderful partner, a fantastic apartment, I am able to devote my full focus to my studies and a peace in my heart that is pushing me toward clarity. This is my year. I can feel it.